23rd Psalm

Guest Author: monkeyweather on DL had a very good post comparing two versions of the 23rd Psalm that are apparently making the rounds in CyberSpace. They were a little hard to read in his format, so I thought I would see whether they were easier to read here.

Blue State Version   Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want. He maketh logs To be cut down In national Forests. He leadeth trucks Into the still Wilderness. He restoreth my fears. He leadeth me in the paths Of international disgrace For his ego's Sake. Yea, though I walk Through the valley Of pollution And war, I will find no exit, For thou art In office. Thy tax cuts For the rich And Thy media control, They discomfort me. Thou preparest An agenda Of deception In the presence Of thy religion. Thou Anointest My head with Foreign oil. My health insurance Runneth Out. Surely megalomania and False patriotism Shall follow me All the days Of thy Term, And my jobless child Shall dwell in my Basement FOREVER. Amen.

Red State Version   The Democratic Party is my Socialist shepherd; We alI dwell in want. They promise to not cut logs, but never really do anything for anyone but grandstand. The logs they do weep, while yet the Democrats sayeth thus: blah blah blah blah. They gladly useth minorities to win elections, yet doeth nothing for them either; instead they useth scare tactics to keep minorities in the desired state of fear. Lo, they have forgotten their history was that of a segregation party, Yea they telleth not this secret, for 'twould be mighty inconvenient for that to get out. They complaineth endlessly about dependence on foreign oil, And yet lo they doeth nothing but raise taxes (including gas taxes) which they gladly spendeth promptly on absolutely nothing. They careth more about an International Popularity Contest than doing the right thing; and ignoreth the 50 million people who are now inconveniently free, Yea, they gladly curse the lack of a Vietnam Quagmire; They rejoice in terrorism if it maketh the other side "look bad", and counteth not the cost in lives unless it proveth their point. They spouteth about Global Warming, and ignoreth all scientists who irresponsibly present evidence contrary to their pet theory. They runneth the media, and complaineth bitterly about the tiny gnat known as "Fox", which doth not always do their bidding. When they loseth elections, they defame their countrymen as idiots, thus showing their love of their fellow Americans. They worship at the altar of the NY Times, and recognise not when a bias crosseth over intopatent dishonesty. They bemoaneth the "Fake but Accurate" story, And proclaim to all "It is a vast right wing conspiracy". Yea, it would be helpful if for once they would focus ontrue and EXISTING conspiracies, yet their heads are stuck in their rear ends for yet another time and a while. They whineth about tax cuts, and yet they returneth not their own tax refunds, thus showing they do not stand on principle (having none). Yea even their hopeful contender, Kerry, returneth not his much despised extra money. They despiseth religion, for it fits notin their Marxist vision of an enforced secular society. They sueth everything that isn't nailed down, pursuing their constitutional right to never be offended, not realising they are themselves offensive, as are all in some way. Yea, we shall all have to cease to exist in order to properly pull off the "no offense" clause of the Constitution. They dreameth of a Socialized Medical System, and ignoreth the Canadians that duly cross the border seeking medical attention unavailable under the Failure known as Medical Care in Canada. They learneth not lessons. They mocketh patriotism,sneering at anything deemed noble. In their darkest places they hateth America, seeing hope only in the diminishing of America. They rejoiceth greatly when America is demonised; It brightens their bitter days and causes their ever-present hostility to be replaced by good cheer. They loveth to complain, and yet leaveth not for France or Canada. Canada seems relieved, and yet still do we mourn: why do they not leave their hated homeland? The see-eth not a thing in terms of absolutes, for they dwelleth in the Land of Perpetual Shades of Gray; They taketh "Any means to the end" to new levels, annointing an additional Clinton who hath mastered the fine artof appearing to be what they are not. They asketh not "What are these strange moral values" and instead asketh "How do we look like we have them?" I say to them: Verily, ye shall asketh Hillary, for she shall appear to be whatever she doth choose, and none the wiser 'til after the election. They taketh from the rich, coveting their wealth and power, lacking understanding of the historic outcome of all communist enterprises founded on greed and coveting of their neighbors belongings. Yea, they have never read those Ten Commandment Thingies,especially the parts about covetting; seeking only to banish them to the Great Trash Can of Marxism. They understandeth not that all communist governments have led to mass murder, claiming only that religion causes death. They remembereth not Mao, nor anything else that would shake their love of the secular and despise for religion. They forgetteth the words of this republics founding fathers, finding them stupid, archaic, and possibly drunk. They groaneth about Social Security being thus broken, yet deny such brokenness when anyone else talketh about it. Possesing no ideas, for they doeth nothing as a matter of course; Yea, they are the house of Useless Critics. (Hast thou considered a day job as a professional art or movie critic?) They shall break the backs of the icky corporations, And then whineth more when they findeth not employment Except in universities which hireth gladly communists - Even shall they grant tenure to those Who publish works defaming further the Hated America; And a bonus if such work is plagiarized. Those who died in acts of terrorism they shall refer to as "Little Eichmanns", Yea, they believeth not a terrorist who sayeth "I will kill you because you are a Jew/American/Christian", and instead sayeth "They are just poor and downtrodden, and we are Big Meanies". They understandeth not the mind of a terrorist, for Behold: they read only things which shall reenforce their belief systems,reading not the words of the Great Scholars of Terrorists. Thus they knoweth not that these men who kill are Upper Middle Class to Wealthy - it fitteth not their agenda to see it is so. They shall leaveth us not with a basement that we may hide; for they createth economic woe and then shall all be homeless. Yea, in the Days of Big Boom Booms which cometh shortly, the basement wouldn't work anyways. Verily, the basement would have been good, But thus hast the Democrats given to the Chinese All of our military secrets. AMEN