Bush New Year’s Resolutions

<insert tongue in cheek>

ScrappleFace reports In response to repeated requests from White House correspondents, the Bush administration today released a list of the president’s 2006 New Year’s resolutions.

Like most Americans’ resolutions, Mr. Bush’s involve weight loss, health, money, relationships and career concerns. The following is the unedited list.

“I, George Walker Bush, do resolve to accomplish the following in the year of our Lord, 2006 …

• Lose weight: Help the U.S. Senate replace about 1,800 pounds of excess fat with a similar amount of lean muscle.

  I believe there is more excess fat there than that, but it would certainly be a good start.

  
  
• Exercise more: Specifically exercise my veto power over Congressional spending.

  Good idea.

  
  
• Get Organized: Put liberal Republicans like Senators Olympia Snowe, Lincoln Chafee and Arlen Specter in their proper places

  In the private sector

  and keep them there so I can quickly locate them if I ever need them.
  
• Get Out of Debt: Cut non-essential expenses like the National Endowment for the Arts, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Amtrak, Department of Education, United Nations, aid to countries that vote against us at the U.N., local projects funded with federal tax dollars, and any non-military federal activity that supplants the rights and responsibilities of states and individuals.

  I support all of those.

  
  
• Quit Smoking: Stop burning ‘the base’ in an effort to satisfy the fringe.
  
• Listen More: Reauthorize 2002 executive order on NSA surveillance of terrorist phone calls and emails.

  And file for a FISA warrent on every US number in any terrorist's cell phone or address book.

  
  
• Recycle More: Dust off those Reagan-era ideals about smaller government and use them.
  
• Learn New Languages: Specifically learn how to say “I accept your unconditional surrender” in Arabic, Korean, Farsi and Liberalese.

  What about French?

<remove tongue from cheek>